Just Some Thoughts

  For whatever reason, I have been feeling really sad again.  On Monday, I started to think about how no one ever remembers who I am.  I don't leave an impression on any one.  I almost always remember people I meet, but no one ever remembers me.  When I was in high school, I got an award.  I noticed a couple of years ago, that there was a plaque of everyone that had received that award, and my name was not on it.  I suppose they put my friend's name on it, thinking we were the same person.  It really hurts.  I worked hard for that award, and no one even knows that I got it. 
  So, that got me thinking that when I die, no one will even know that I lived.  I will have no children to remember me.  Tomorrow, I will find out if I have endometriosis.  No better time than right before Mother's Day, right?

IVF

I don't know why I haven't written about this sooner. Lazy, I guess. I know no one reads this blog. I have never told anyone about it. It seems to be more of a diary of sorts, and if someone in my situation happens upon it, and finds comfort, then all the better.
So, we have started on the road to IVF. I have been taking lupron for a couple of weeks, and am now doing lupron, lo HCG, and Follistim. Everything is looking really good! I go into the doctor every other day, and it looks as though they will be doing my egg retrieval sometime this weekend. I am really excited about this, and really optimistic. I truly feel that this time next year, I will have two children.
My body has been responding really well to the meds. I currently have about 28 follicles. Not that we need that many eggs, but I'm hoping we get enough to freeze some embryos if we need to.
The bad part about all of this, is that it is so expensive! I am an incredibly cheap person, but I know we need to go into debt for this. So, we are taking out a huge loan, hopefully we will not need all of it.
If I get pregnant this next month, that will mean that all of sisters were pregnant at some point in 2011. That is so cool to me!
Although I am so optimistic, sometimes it is hard for me to imagine myself being pregnant. After so many years of defeat, I can't even imagine what success would be like. I've really opened myself up this time too. I am being less secretive about the whole process. I have been talking to a lot of people about it, and sharing my feelings. I always want to tell people, but for whatever reason, I never do. So, hopefully my next post will be another happy positive one!

Wrong Way

Lately, I have been thinking how life is like two roads. There is the one where you have kids, and the one where you don't. Every time someone else goes down that path with kids, they talk and relate to each other. They are welcomed to this new road. I am on the other side of the road. I can see what's happening sometimes. Other times, there's something in the way. They go on great little side trips. They all relate . Sometimes they talk to me over the divide. They try to explain to me the things they are seeing, and how great it all is, but it's hard to see from my vantage point. Everything looks so beautiful on their side. Everyone is so happy together. They ask "did you pass that on your way?" "Did you feel how great that part of the path was?" Sometimes they look at my side and pity how ugly and lonely it is. "Don't worry" they shout I'm sure you can get in that next opening, but I pass it. "Oops!" They yell. I'm sure you'll make the next one. Over and over again we play this game, until it's just words that none of us believe.
It's stupid, but that's how I feel.
Now I have an offer "just $15000, and we'll give you more openings into that beautiful side." More chances to get in, and wider paths. No guarantee that you'll make it, and no way to help you out, even though $15000 is about $10000 more than you have. What an offer.

And Again

So, Round 2 has officially failed. I thought for sure that this would be it. Everything felt different, and everything felt right. My cycle was crazy all week, with off and on spotting. Now it is official though, my period started last night.
Once again, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I keep crying on and off. I really don't know how much more of this I can take.I feel like every month my hopes are raised higher and higher, only to fall further.
I can't even concentrate on anything else now. School doesn't hold my attention anymore. I can't find things to do to distract me. I'm sick of living through everyone else. I want to be happy again.

Pregnancy Advice?

In the beginning of our marriage, I worked at Target, in the infants department mainly. I used to buy a lot of clearanced items while working. My logic was that by the time we had kids, they would have some nice clothes, even if we didn't have much money.
I didn't hide this from any of my coworkers. All of them knew I was trying to get pregnant. One year, about 8 employees got pregnant at the same time. Of course, I wasn't one of them. After a few years, and no baby, the advice started to pour in.
Everyone considered themselves an expert on baby making. I would walk through the store, and other employees would stop me, and offer advice. Even the single people.
The advice that always made me laugh was "just don't think about it." I can't tell you how many times I heard this advice, and thought to myself, "are you kidding me!?"
I didn't understand it then, and I still don't get it now. How do you not think about the thing you want most in life? How do you have sex, and not think "this could be it." There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about being pregnant, or hope that I am. Every wish, every prayer, every fast is dedicated to me having children. I can't push it out of mind.

Round 2

Well, the first IUI didn't take. Turns out my progesterone levels on day 7 were really low too, which could mean I didn't ovulate? I don't know, I don't understand the whole thing. The Dr. upped my clomid dosage to 100mg. I went in last Friday, to make sure that I wasn't making too many eggs, but it seems it was too early to tell, and yesterday I got a surge around 2:30pm.
We went in this morning for the IUI, and I had already ovulated, so once again she couldn't tell how many eggs I had released. She is thinking it was 1. I wish it was more. I really wanted a big chance of it working this month.
This time felt different too. I knew I was going to ovulate yesterday, and I had a lot of cramps. I guess that is a sign of ovulation, but I have never felt them before, so I thought for sure that it meant more eggs.
I was so hesitant to tell people about the procedure this time too. I know they all care, and they all want this for us, but it is hard having them all know. Last time during the 2 week wait, I had a lot of symptoms that could mean pregnancy, but always come with my period. Everyone kept telling me that they were good symptoms, and that it sounded like I was pregnant, and in the end, they were wrong. I was so afraid that was going to happen again. My hopes increased so much with everyone's excitement.
So, we'll see what happens next.

IUI

So, Sunday was the big day! On Saturday around 10am, I tested, and got an LH surge. So, I called the doctor right away, and she told me to go in Sunday at 8am. So, Sunday morning, we went in with a sperm sample. Waited for a bit, then it was time. Unfortunately, the doctor couldn't tell me how many eggs I released, because by that time I had already ovulated. However, she did say it was the perfect time for the insemination.
So, now the waiting begins. The waiting is making me so anxious. I still have a really good feeling about this, but at the same time I am nervous. I go in Friday to check my progesterone levels, and then a week after that, I take a pregnancy test. My 28th birthday will be a few days before my pregnancy test, and I can't think of anything I would want more, than to have a positive result.
There's no secret about this either. All of our family and friends fasted and prayed for us, so I feel like I also don't want to let them down.